Dedicated, Not Defeated

I had a rough day yesterday. One of those days where nothing felt right and I couldn’t seem to shake it. 

I try to keep things as real as possible, so let’s be real about what happened. I failed my pathophysiology test. I got a 70% so I failed by 5 points. I have never failed an exam before. And when I tell you I studied for that thing, I studied. HARD.

I immediately felt defeated. I felt like I wasn’t good enough. I felt like I wasn’t smart enough. I felt like I’d make a bad nurse. I let it get to me all night. On and off, throughout the night, I kept getting so freaking angry at myself. 

When I woke up this morning, I didn’t feel angry… or sad. I felt happy. I truly felt so blessed. I realized how lucky I am. I realized that I am so grateful to be where I am. Not everyone gets to go to college and love it. Not everyone meets people who they instantly become friends with. Not everyone gets to do what they love every single day. Not everyone gets to walk in a room full of sick people and watch their faces light up just because I walked in with a smile. Not everyone gets to make difference.

But I do.

I’ll do better next time. I’ll study harder. I’ll be a good nurse. I’ve never been one to go easy on myself, but I’m pretty excited to have a week with no tests, not gonna lie about that.

I am dedicated to being the best version of myself I can be. I will not allow myself to be dragged down by one mistake… and you shouldn’t either.

“The days that I keep my gratitude higher than my expectations, I have really good days.” -Ray Wylie Hubbard

For The Good and The Bad… Thank you God

When I got accepted to the only nursing school I applied to, I thanked God.

When I earned good grades on my first tests, I thanked God.⠀

Just last week, I fit into a top I couldn’t fit into a month ago. And I thanked God.⠀⠀

When my dad was cured of cancer, I thanked God. 

Here’s the thing… it’s real easy to thank God when things are going well. When life is moving along smoothly, when you’re happy… it is so easy to thank God.

You know what’s not so easy? Thanking God while you’re having a panic attack and struggling to catch your breath with tears streaming down your face while you are sitting in traffic because you’re so overwhelmed with e v e r y t h i n g. When you realize your friend doesn’t really care about being your friend. When you’re at work and a grown ass man looks at your coworker and says “You are so pretty. It’s nice to see someone in here who doesn’t weight 200 pounds.” (Firstly sir, I’ve had a diet of stress and peanut butter crackers for a month now so I’ve lost five pounds, thank you very much).

Each of these things has happened to me within the last week. But I picked my head up, I smiled, and I thanked God. Here’s the thing: crying in my car means I have a heart that can feel things. I have plenty of old and new friends, the past few weeks I’ve made some amazing friends… and I don’t even know where I’d be right now without them. I am working on my weight, but weight has nothing to do with beauty or this killer (some call it intimidating…) personality of mine. I am getting stronger every week, mentally and physically.

Thank God when it’s hard.

Thank God when it’s painful.

Thank God when life is stretching you thin.

Thank God when the only thing you want to do is turn your back.⠀

Because you are alive. He is watching over you. I promised God that I would give the glory to Him when its all said and done with. At the end of the day, when I close my eyes, I know that without God’s love, I wouldn’t be where I’m at. I don’t know where I would be and when I look back at some of my choices I’ve made, some of the people I’ve chosen to spend time with, and the times when I didn’t thank God for weeks at a time because I didn’t think I needed to, I am just so darn happy that He didn’t give up on me.

Even when we lose our way, even when we turn our backs, He doesn’t stop loving us. He is waiting with open arms for us to drag our butts back to his love and grace. I’ve been dealt good hands and bad hands, and I play the heck out of whatever cards I’m given.

So, here I am humbled and in awe of my Lord who protects me, loves me, and has given me more opportunities than I ever could have imagined.

Deep Roots

I have always been a family oriented girl. I’ve been thinking for a few days about some great people in my life who have truly been there for me in some of my darkest moments. I’m writing about my family today and will post about some great friends next week. But there’s so many things to be thankful about and I’m tired of being a victim so I’m taking control of my life and realizing how much good I’ve got going for me.

I feel so heartbroken when friends tell me about their estranged relationships with their parents because I’ve never known what that feels like. I’ve had fights with my family, I don’t agree with every thing they say and do, but I will always have my family’s backs and I know they’ll always have mine. There’s a quote I love by someone who’s name I don’t know that says

when the roots are deep, there is no reason to fear the wind.

My mom has been my absolute best friend for… always. When the boy in 7th grade didn’t like me back and I came home crying, she’s the one who held me. When I was sitting in my freshman orientation for college doubting whether I could make it as a nurse, I suddenly decided that I wanted to do dental hygiene (which my school didn’t offer), she’s the one who sat right beside me, jumped up and ran out of orientation with me. She then proceeded to drive me to another college so I could speak with admissions, just so I could decide that I actually did want to go to nursing school. When the boy I put my life on hold for dumped me over a text message, after two years, because he decided that alcohol was more important than me… my mama was the one who reminded me who I am. She was the one who watched me change into a person I wasn’t. She was the one who saw me teetering over the edge and she was the one who pulled me back.

My dad is my hero. As a little girl, I always thought that, but as a woman I know that. My dad had colon cancer and went through six months of chemo that really took a toll on him. He continued to work and provide for his family. He continued to pray, and he is a big reason that my whole family has such a great relationship with God. When my sister’s brakes went out on her bicycle going down a hill and she flew over her handlebars and hit the pavement, he is the one who carried her up the driveway. When I was struggling with math in elementary school, he sat with me at the kitchen table after work doing his best to help me. When I missed buck after buck, he was the one who got me an eyepatch (fun fact, I can’t close just one eye) and kept pushing me to not give up. When I shot my first coyote and deer in the same evening, he is the one who was sitting next to me, he is the one who jumped up with tears in his eyes and shouted with joy, thanking God.

I have a sister who is always up for a random trip to the store and who loves me even after we just beat the crap out of each other. I have a cousin who missed his practice to come to my house and take me to get loaded tater tots just to help get my mind off things. I have grandparents, aunts and uncles, family who love me and have gone out of their way for me on multiple occasions and would do it again.

I am so thankful to have something that not everyone else has, and trust me, I don’t take it for granted. I thank God every night for giving me this family and this life. I am such a lucky woman.