Queens

I am incredibly lucky right now to be able to say that I have many friends, some I’ve known for a long time and some I’ve know for a month, but I have people that support and love me. And I feel so so lucky. This post is dedicated to y’all.

I haven’t always been this lucky though. When my ex and I broke up, my family had my back but I had no friends. Absolutely none. So I started reaching out to people and rebuilding my life.

I take that back. My sister, my lifelong best friend, has never left me to suffer alone. She has been there through some of my toughest times, for my entire life. When I was 16 and got stood up for the first time, she made me take her and her boyfriend out since I was dressed and didn’t need to waste a decent outfit. Even tonight, she took the nail polish off my toes for me because I was too lazy to do it. I don’t know what I would do without her and I will always be grateful that God chose us for each other.

Thank goodness also for a coworker of mine who I truly think of as a best friend. She doesn’t judge me and I’m thankful that I can come to work and talk her ears off OR say nothing at all, and she still supports me.

I messaged his ex from before me. We couldn’t stand each other for years but we’re so much alike and our friendship works so well. We found out that he treated us the same. That he talked us out of doing things to improve our lives because he wants the girl he’s with to be below him. We found out that our shared experience with this boy was something that we could bond over for the time being but now we have so much to talk about. She’s smart, bold, and successful. I consider her to be one of my best friends. I’m even going to her wedding, and if that’s not a friendship turn around, I don’t know what is.

Then I reached out to a sweet girl from high school. We went to eat Mexican food for lunch and ended up sitting in that booth, laughing and talking until almost 5 in the afternoon. That lunch was the most I had laughed in months, and I will always be grateful to her for making me realize that I was still in there. She’s funny, nice as all get out, and has such a sweet soul. Another best friend.

I worked with a kid at Subway years ago who had a girlfriend (at the time) that I looked up to so much. She was working as a CNA at the time and working on getting her pre-requisites done. I was thiiiinking about pursuing nursing but little does she know, she is the one who really inspired me to do that. Fast forward to the summer my life felt like it was falling apart, and there she was in my anatomy class! She’s intelligent, hard working, and so caring. We became close again and we still keep in touch because our journeys are so alike in so many ways.

And tomorrow, I’m meeting a friend of mine who I went through CNA school with for dinner. We wiped butts together y’all and now we’re both going to nursing school… she’s almost done actually and she’s going to do so well. She was my clinical partner for a semester, but a friend for life. And I am thankful to still be able to reach out to her and know that she would still be here for me if I needed her.

I have had people who I trusted that broke my heart. I have had best friends who told lies about me, turned our mutual friends away from me. Some of these people have reached out to me since, so we’re rebuilding our friendships and are closer than ever! Sometimes our friends hurt us without the intentions of hurting us, and I get that. Some of these people, though, pretend like I don’t exist and that’s fine too because I am not for everybody.

I am honest, and loud, and boy once I start on something, there’s no stopping me. I’m opinionated without being judgey… but I’ve been shushed for a long time so now I’m out here making my presence known. I have my share of flaws, I’ve done things I’m not proud of but I will own up to it. I am so thankful that I have a few close friends who accept my personality, and love me even more for just being myself. I am so warmed by the people I have around me and for the first time in a long time, I am happy to say that I am 100% okay if you want to judge me by who I surround myself with because I am surrounded by strong, wonderful people.

Real queens fix each other’s crowns.

God Is Preparing Me

I feel stuck. Like I’m just waiting for the next thing. It’s a still, quiet season of my life and if you know me, you know I need to be busy. When things slow down and I have too much to think, I get anxious.

Less than a month ago, I was taking 15 credit hours for college. I was working 40+ hours. I was getting up before the sun and the birds to work out. I left my house before the sun came up and I didn’t get back home until after the sun went down. Right now, I’m taking 3 credit hours for school; which I don’t want to downplay because Statistics online is no easy feat by any means. I’m still working 40+ hours but who isn’t?

So in my head, I’m not doing as much as I was and I’ve got much more spare time, especially on weekends because I’m not spending my entire day on Sundays studying. And man this is weird for me! I’m not used to having head space for anything except school and work (which is one reason I started this blog). Staying busy is a survival tactic for me, it keeps my mind occupied and doesn’t allow space for too much stress. 

But I’m not in a busy season. It’s very quiet. So I am growing. I am learning. I am developing relationships and friendships. I literally saw two of my best friends last week and I’m getting coffee with another tomorrow morning. I am appreciating the life that I’ve been given, and the disasters I’ve been through. I’m thanking God for the bullets I’ve dodged and the second chances He gives us all every single day, even when we may not deserve it. 

God is preparing me for the next chapter. It will be chaotic, and beautiful, and exciting. It will be scary, and busy, and I will be preparing myself to save lives. To comfort strangers and learn as much as I can about the world and the people that dwell in it. I will enjoy the quiet before the storm… because I know the next few years of my life will be a beautiful downpour. But hey, a flower can’t bloom without a little rain, right?

I am going to do amazing things so in this still season, I am going to listen to what God is telling me and learn to love myself so that I can love those around me with as much passion as possible. I am going to work on my own health so that I can be a good advocate for the health of those around me. I am going to crack open my Bible and find the answers to my questions.

Enjoy the stillness. Use the silence as a chance to hear that still, small voice speaking to you. Crack open your Bible. Cut up some cucumbers and drink a cold glass of ice water (or drink that double caramel frappucino with that extra espresso shot, honey!) Work on yourself for once because now is the time.